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I love this song.  It played at St. Mark’s this morning as I ate an almond croissant (which was woooonderful!) and drank tea.  This song feels so nostalgic.

God, Reese Witherspoon looks amazing at the Oscar’s.  I love her hair, her dress, everything. And Anne Hathaway’s Tiffany diamonds. Nicole Kidman looks fantastic too. She always does.

I did a lot of reading today, a lot of sleeping. Sometimes when I get really frustrated now I go into the corner of my living room and fly into a fury of kicking and punching and thrashing around and say “HI-YAH! HIIII-YAH!” It actually works. I did not take many pictures today because I didn’t stray from my couch much besides going to St. Mark’s this morning, and now I’ll watch the Oscar’s. It was another one of those kind of bummer days. They are getting fewer and further between, thank God.

My buddies…isn’t it funny how cats always want to sleep near each other, even if they don’t normally get along? Cute.

Gannon getting big, growing up:

And another silly picture of Your Humble Narrator…I loved this outfit.

I love the song, “Falling Slowly” from the movie, Once. I want to post the sogn here, but I have not been able to figure it out yet, granted I have spent approximately 3 minutes on trying to do so. The lyrics are soothing as well…I miss love, being in love. Giving it and receiving it is my life’s blood, and I find I cannot be with someone unless I am inclined to tear them apart for desire. Tends to leave one lonely…

I don’t know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can’t react
And games that never amount
To more than they’re meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We’ve still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You’ll make it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can’t go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I’m painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It’s time that you won

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We’ve still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice

You’ve made it now
Falling slowly sing your melody
I’ll sing it loud


Day 11 – 2.26.11

I had many adventures today.  I went to a vintage shop in Capitol Hill, and remember how much I like Capitol Hill.  It is full of life!  I got the best chocolate chip cookie I’ve ever had at this wonderful bakery which may have been called City-to-City.

I want one of those cupcakes…

I discovered a new tea room at the Holiday Chalet Bed & Breakfast on Colfax.  It is the most darling place bursting with character.  Tea time is by appointment, and they have cream tea there and it sounds perfect the way they do it.  I am going to there as soon as I have the time and a little extra money, and I’ll have cream tea.  The bed and breakfast is like a picture of Heaven, and the rooms are like something from a storybook.  The rates are quite reasonable, and they give you champagne, and cream tea, and a 5 course meal for you and your sweetie, if you choose.  It makes me feel a little lonely, and more than a little sad thinking about how I would have loved to take someone there.

I went to Fat Sully’s tonight and ate pizza, drank beer, taught a friend to play Yahztee, and he got his first Yahtzee, and it was great!  Then we saw Boombox at the Bluebird, and it was actually so awesome.  Mixed nuts, for sure.  Allll kinds of people showed up.  Dusty got the last ticket, the very last one.  We were the last two people to buy them before they sold out.  I thought that was cool.

Being at the show, I missed Robbie.  I felt the old familiar sting.  I try to swallow my feelings, and just not think about Robbie or how sad the whole thing is.  The whole thing is sad, to me it is.  I miss what felt true, what felt like love.  Looking back now, I know I must have been wearing rose-colored glasses. 


Day 10, 2.25.11

We started the night out like this, Scottie boy and I.

I checked my leggies in his mirror.

We slurped a good milshake at Pete’s Kitchen.

 There’s a place what will blow your doors off…

I have a date tomorrownight.  Oooooh la la!

Day 9 – 2/24/11

Reading at St. Mark’s.  Really enjoying A Clockwork Orange.  The slang in the book is fun to read and easy to pick up.  I remember seeing the movie when I was a little kid at my dad’s house one night when everyone had gone to bed. All the best stuff was on way late, and he had all the good channels. I thought Alex was fascinating, probably because he was so bad and loved symphony. I don’t know what it was exactly, but his character always stood out after that first time I saw the movie. I remember  the Korova milk bar.  The bar serves milk laced with drugs.  Alex talks about some of ingredients you can have added to the milk.  In the slang of the book: “vellocet” is opiate, “synthemesc” is synthetic mescaline, and “drencrom” is adrenochrome, whatever that is.   By serving milk, the bar is able to serve “intoxicating libations” to minors. In the movie, the bar has furniture in the shape of naked women and the milk is served from their nipples.  They way they talk in the movie always sticks out in my brain. 

Here is the opening scene, they’re in the milk bar…

Beautiful cobalt blue bottles in the window of St. Mark’s, and squares of pearlescent glass over top (which did not turn out in the picture):

An interesting paragraph from the introduction to A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess:

“By definition, a human being is endowed with free will.  He can use this to choose between good and evil.  If he can only perform good or only perform evil, then he is a clockwork orange – meaning that he has the appearance of an organism lovely with colour and juice but is in fact only a clockwork toy to be wound up by God or the Devil or (since this is increasingly replacing both) the Almighty State.  It is as inhuman to be totally good as it is to be totally evil.  The important thing is moral choice.  Evil has to exist along with good, in order that moral choice may operate.  Life is sustained by the grinding opposition of moral entities.  This is what the television is news is all about.  Unfortunately there is so much original sin in us all that we find evil rather attractive.  To devastate is easier and more spectacular than to create.”

Day 8 – 2/23/11

Now, that’s a nice lunch.  Piano played overhead during the entire meal.

Sun medallions. This is my bed spread.

A shameless bit of self-promotion.  And pretty colors.

I had a wonderful time with Marta Nelson tonight, and Josh Hicks, Dustin Ivis, Downey, and Chloe.  Lots of laughs, a perfect way to end a vacation.  Back to work tomorrow.  *rolls eyes*

Day 7 – 2.22.11

My Emma and my Gannon. “Emma, play with me.”  “Dude, why are you wearing that last season Elizabethan collar?”

This is a house on Montview Boulevard, and I think it’s beautiful.  It is the kind of house I would like to live in someday.  If I don’t, that’d be okay, but I do think it’s pretty.

Hey, look, it’s Sting’s daughter…

I Blame Coco – “Self-Machine”

The Thin Man bar on 17th and Race. They decorate the inside with crucifixes of every shape and size and pictures of Jesus all over the place.  When it gets dark the inside is lit with red lights hanging from string that lace across the ceiling of the bar.

Look at all the different infusions of vodka.  Jalapeno and tomato…orange…cinnamon…the list goes on.

I ate a lot of cookies and cookie dough today.  I did a lot of reading, and I’m glad of that.  New books, new commitment to distraction.  I met some new people at The Thin Man.  I hung out with a Sagittarius who was wise beyond his years, an old soul.  I have met many Sagittariuses since I moved to Denver, and it makes me wonder if there is not a specific reason for it.  I had not known many before, and now…they’re everywhere.

I applied to two jobs in Glenwood today.  I would love to move to the mountains.  I am working on it.

Sister Hazel – “Best I’ll Ever Be”

Day…what, is it Day 6? 2/21/11

This is a little fountain in City Park near my apartment, and usually there is water in the pool.  I walked by it so many times during the summer and the fall, and I love the detail.  I love how real the children look, the details if you get up close, how they lean on one another.  And there are three little frogs down below doing the same thing.  Isn’t it cute? 

I may not have the love of a man in my life, but that doesn’t mean I’m not enjoying myself…hot cocoa certainly helps…and chocolate chip cookies…made for Political Tea with Richard and Josh.  Political tea…this ought to be good.  I imagine it will be more gossip and games, board games.  That’s sort of political, isn’t it?  Heh.

I do miss snuggling.  And I’ve noticed it gets difficult to watch sex scenes for wanting to PARTAKE for the love of god, the deprivation is getting to me.  The single life is weird, man.  It’s cool in it’s way, but it’s definitely weird in it’s way too. 

Goldfrapp – “Number 1”

Well, shoot, in the middle of writing this my friends have bailed on the first Political Tea.  Now, I’m going to watch Party Girl instead and eat cookies by myself.  Fine.  Thank you. I don’t mind.  I mind a little.

Poor baby Gannon got castrated today.  That’s how they phrase it on the papers. I’ve never seen a cat in an Elizabethan collar before today, it’s tiny!  He’s so sleepy and out of sorts, and he topples around in his little collar and knocks into everything.  His little face is so sleepy and careworn.

I have no idea what I’m doing with my life, tomorrow.  It becomes more clear to me, though, that love is just about the only thing I’ve ever really been shooting for.  I’m not going to be the next big thing, or have a super impressive job where I make a ton of money. I’m not a genius, or probably even that smart I’m starting to suspect.  I’m not overly ambitious, truth be told. All I want for myself is a nice little spot in the world, ideally out of the big city, where there’s lots of room to roam, and a love and maybe a couple little peanuts, or 3.  And dogs…I want my dogs…and snowstorms, and lots of baking and cooking, and time with my family.  *sigh…something like that.  I don’t need to be noticed in this world, not really, just by one person really special.

No songs that I want to post are working today, and I don’t know enough about blogging to figure out a different way to do it.  If I could, I would have posted, “Can’t Take My Eyes Off of You” by Lauryn Hill and “Date with the Night” by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs.

I think I’m going to discontinue the gratitude portion of the blog.  Suffice it to say I’m thankful for a lot of things, I don’t feel right about posting them every day. 

I do need to somehow lighten up, though.

“You’re darker than she is…” someone said that to me today.  Darker. Am I darker?  Am I dark? I never thought of myself that way.  Maybe so, though…

“Many times I’ve often prayed, in the darkness of my night, in the brightness of my day…”

Day 5 – 2/20/11

16th Street Mall was like a wind tunnel today.  The sky was electric blue.  A handsome, young canvassar saw me blowing random notes into my harmonica, and said “Hey!  Do you play the harmonica?” “No, I said, this is a charm-onica.  The difference is the charmonica doesn’t require any skill to play it.” 

Adele – “Rolling in the Deep”

I really like Adele.  She’s coming to Denver soon, and I think I will go see her.    This song really speaks to me these days.  So did this graffiti in an alley off of Colfax.

This is me in the basement of Hooked on Colfax.  It’s full of big, old leather couches, enormous mirrors, big heavy wooden coffee tables, red lights on string, and flickering candles.  I like to go down in these catacombs and drink tea, eat a pastry, read, write, pass the time.

Remember this good, old song?  Hey now, hey now…it sounds like, “How Do You Talk to an Angel?” by the Heights in the first couple of notes.  Sheesh, remember that song?  Broke my heart when I was about 8 years old.

These are the new shoes that will take me everywhere.  “I’m counting the steps to the door of your heart…”

Kita has the right idea on a blustery day.

I began writing a personal statement for my graduate school application for couples and family counseling, and it’s hard work. I said to myself, “Even if it’s total shit, just get something down, just start it. ”  There was a line comparing human love relationships to that between two Emperor Penguins who mate for life.  Unless one of them dies, they return to the other, year after year after year.  The mating season is during the frigid Antartic winter, and once the female lays her egg, the male immediately incubates it.  He fasts the entire winter, and the egg is his sole responsibility.  The female goes to sea to feed, returning in the spring to relieve the male of his duty and tend to the newborn chick. 

Tomorrow is the first night of Political Tea.  I’ll let you know how it goes.  I told Josh to think of it as a symposium for not just politics, but all manner of subjects.  Conspiracy Tea.  Fantastical Tea.  Artistic Tea. Whatever you prefer, really.  But, I just like to call it Political Tea.  It makes me laugh.  Not to be confused or affiliated with the Tea Party of recent notoriety.

Tonight was fun.  Today was fun.  I walked all over the world, all over Denver world, and my feet and knees were screaming at the end of the day, but it was worth it.  I got sushi at Taki sushi with Josh and Marta tonight, and it was a very nice time.  They bring me down to earth, help me to see clarity.  I am starting to see how spending so much time alone so much of my life has possibly made me less perceptive to people and certainly more naive about some things.   The atmosphere with Marta and Josh is always  mellow and content.  We had to wait twenty minutes before we could sit down, and the Japanese people who worked at the restaurant kept apologizing so genuinely for our wait, and then gave us each a free large saki of our choosing.  Such an awesome sushi place.  The only place I’ve tried in Denver…I have no reason to branch out, no desire. 

Day 4 – 2/19/11

French Onion Soup!  At the Cheeky Monk on Colfax Avenue.  I love this soup, the melted cheese, the bread…I remember my mom making this for my dad when I was very young.  This was my lunch along with a beer. I love the Cheeky Monk.  I want to attempt to make my own French onion soup.  I bet it’s simple to make and tastes fantastic.  I still need to make my Matzo Ball soup.

I saw this little friend on my way home from the gas station.  He was brave.

I saw this woman and her dog just sitting on the banks of Cherry Creek today.  Her dog was laying on a mound and looked so regal, he reminded me of a lion.  They seemed like such a good team. 

Late afternoon heading to 16th Street Mall.  I was in constant motion today, walking all over Cherry Creek, Park Hill, and downtown.

Dinner at Taki Sushi was worth the wait.  Mmmm. 

I also recommended a new idea to Josh, meetings weekly where he and I get together for an hour and keep each other abreast of politics and the news and stay current.  I thought we could drink tea and we would call the meetings “Political Tea”. 

My legs need to rest, they’re tired.  I’m grateful for wasabi for the way it smokes you until you’re crying for five seconds and then disappears without a trace after.

I felt so proud today reading the news about the protests that are going on in Wisconsin.  I think Scott Walker is a shit.  Leave it to the people of Wisconsin to to rally and dissent and demand their voices be heard.  It makes me want so badly to be back home, living just blocks away from the capitol.  Unfortunate events have unfolded, and yet exciting things are afoot.  I feel a bubbling beneath the surface.

On that note…

Day 3 2/18/11

I walked home from work today, and found myself repeating, “Do not give in to despair, little firefly.”  Isn’t it funny the kinds of self-soothing we do, the ways the mind will try to preserve its vessel.  I have been vascillating between moments of strength and optimism about the future, and a deep sadness.

I saw this interesting little house on my walk home, and I loved the way the ivy acts like a swarm, starting on the house and growing up around the tree, consuming it, and reaching up into its branches.  It seems magick somehow.  It was a beautiful afternoon.  The sky was blue, and the weather was warm, despite being February.  Colorado is like that…the weather is kind, never too tempermental and always in flux to offer a change of pace.

I feel sick.  I have a strange feeling in my stomach these days.  I feel like I don’t know what’s going to happen to me, and there are terrible moments when I absolutely don’t care.  Almost always there is a candle that flickers in my chest and will never go out, a light of hope that I will figure this all out somehow.

I think of the past few years…Madison…Asheville…Gareth…myself…Robbie…Denver…what have I done?  I have devoted myself to love above all else, and remember my life in terms of the experiences I have had with the people I adored.  Yet somehow it has failed me time and again, and I am left now wondering what goes wrong…the wrong kinds of men…or is it me?

“Don’t Think Twice, It’s Alright” – Bob Dylan

But…I am grateful for the memories…

I’ve never tried to block out the memories of the past, even though some are painful. I don’t understand people who hide from their past. Everything you live through helps to make you the person you are now.

-Sophia Loren


February 2011
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