I felt so proud today reading the news about the protests that are going on in Wisconsin.  I think Scott Walker is a shit.  Leave it to the people of Wisconsin to to rally and dissent and demand their voices be heard.  It makes me want so badly to be back home, living just blocks away from the capitol.  Unfortunate events have unfolded, and yet exciting things are afoot.  I feel a bubbling beneath the surface.

On that note…

Day 3 2/18/11

I walked home from work today, and found myself repeating, “Do not give in to despair, little firefly.”  Isn’t it funny the kinds of self-soothing we do, the ways the mind will try to preserve its vessel.  I have been vascillating between moments of strength and optimism about the future, and a deep sadness.

I saw this interesting little house on my walk home, and I loved the way the ivy acts like a swarm, starting on the house and growing up around the tree, consuming it, and reaching up into its branches.  It seems magick somehow.  It was a beautiful afternoon.  The sky was blue, and the weather was warm, despite being February.  Colorado is like that…the weather is kind, never too tempermental and always in flux to offer a change of pace.

I feel sick.  I have a strange feeling in my stomach these days.  I feel like I don’t know what’s going to happen to me, and there are terrible moments when I absolutely don’t care.  Almost always there is a candle that flickers in my chest and will never go out, a light of hope that I will figure this all out somehow.

I think of the past few years…Madison…Asheville…Gareth…myself…Robbie…Denver…what have I done?  I have devoted myself to love above all else, and remember my life in terms of the experiences I have had with the people I adored.  Yet somehow it has failed me time and again, and I am left now wondering what goes wrong…the wrong kinds of men…or is it me?

“Don’t Think Twice, It’s Alright” – Bob Dylan

But…I am grateful for the memories…

I’ve never tried to block out the memories of the past, even though some are painful. I don’t understand people who hide from their past. Everything you live through helps to make you the person you are now.

-Sophia Loren