Day 18 or 19…3.6.11

Two littles animals very close to my heart…

I want him back with me now.

I walked to the Golden Triangle today to find Pints Pub, a British-style pub with more single malt whiskey any where else in the states apparently…

The menu was really nice and well set-up and the food looks yummy! They make their own beers there I think, too! I got the Gael Ale or Gaelic Ale, I forget what it was called now…and then I got the Phonebooth Ale:

I also got the “Crisps”, which are homemade salt and vinegar potato chips.

The ATM was even inside a phone booth!

Cute, little paintings in the bathroom. The last one makes me think of the kind of alley Jack the Ripper would have been lurking in in late 1800s England when he was slaughtering women. So frightening.

I walked home tonight from my brother’s house. They were watching Jurassic Park, and it had gotten dark outside. I knew my cats were home alone in a dark apartment, and they were hungry. I left and walked up 23rd, and was alarmed to find I couldn’t help but crying. Sometimes it just hits me, my face crumples like a piece of paper. When I was really little I used to get a weird feeling every now and again which must have been anxiety, but I didn’t know how to label it, so I always would say to myself, “I feel lonely, and I HATE feeling lonely!” It’s true. I have spent so much of my life feeling left behind, feeling out in the cold, and I don’t why that is, I don’t know why it keeps happening, and why I can’t just feel warm and contented and a part of something and whole. I feel blackness in this moment, and maybe tomorrow I will read this and be ashamed and edit it, and it will be gone. I wish there was a third option between staying in this life and leaving it. I certainly cannot do the latter, but the former has so little appeal some days, despite my best efforts to be the tough woman who does not let the world bring her down and always tries to be optimistic and act with integrity. I wish a kindly race of aliens would abduct me, and their men were fantastically beautiful, but with that guy next door quality I like…and I could go to their world. But, I’d miss my mom and my brother and some other people, maybe I could take them with me.

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