Went to Nederland on Saturday. Listened to an 80s mix my dad had in the car. We hiked around the Barker reservoir to the dam. On the way a tire came flying through the canyon and was just feet in front of me when it passed. It would have knocked me into the reservoir. We had a beer at the Pioneer Inn, and then came home. There was a car accident in front of us, a car got totaled, airbags off, the whole thing. It was scary. Had some friends over that night. We drank wine. I felt sicker than I’ve been in a long time on Sunday. I think it was a combination of a bad reaction to medication and vitamin B toxicity. I have been sleeping on a box spring, and I don’t recommend it. I have also been dealing with a broken heart, and I would recommend avoiding that too, it is terrible. I feel again that old familiar sting, that feeling where I know it is not helpful to feel sad, but all I can do is try to hold myself together. I feel like I will never know love again, like I am better off dead. I can hardly walk amongst the living for fear of tears. I hope that people won’t talk to me because I will just fall apart. I did the best I could. I gave as much as I could. I thought I was doing right. My best wasn’t enough, I guess. My hearts feels like a rock in the middle of my chest, a dead weight pulling down towards my intestines.

People are talking about how much they have to do at work, how their calendar “just doubled”. Give me a break.

A day at a time. Just do this a day at a time. I wish I lived far away from Robbie. I knew this would happen. I should go back to Wisconsin. There’s nothing for me here. Six months, maybe I’ll give it six months. I’m going to be okay, I’ll get through this.

I saw these kitties on Saturday:

I got to ride with my friend on his motorycle on Friday to Aurora. We went thrifting, and I got some great stuff. A big purse with jungle animals embroidered on it. A beautiful blue sweater, and a black dress I am wearing now. Here I am with a big head: